dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
