I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
