i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
