i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
