i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
