She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
pray to the hookup gods
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
