she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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