i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
