I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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