Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
