I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
even my farts smell like vagina
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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