WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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