Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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