yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
