i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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