I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
