you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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