Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
