Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
