the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
