woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
