oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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