Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
