So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
