You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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