I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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