I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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