we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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