I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
