At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Found the puke drawer
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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