New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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