am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
