zippers are such a cool invention
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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