2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
birth control should be required to get into college
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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