you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
