Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
