morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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