The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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