You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
