I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
