he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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