I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
