I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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