I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
