Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
