Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
