the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
