Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
