I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
