There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Randomize
