you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
you made out with another girl for some wings
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
