she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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