Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
