I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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