were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
