Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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