After last night, I could never be a politician.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
As shirtless as possible
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
