I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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