I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
