I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
