Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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