Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
