I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
