I need help removing her.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
